I was awakened by JB's text this morning just as I was finishing a dream. I know I was just about finishing a dream as half the beep was in mid-sleep and the other beep went and I knew I was conscious. I don't remember what the dream was about; I dream a lot and I can't say I can remember sleeping in blissful slumber for the past couple of years. That is another thing I miss. Blissful slumber. The dreams used to be anxious affairs and proper nightmares but nowadays I've gotten accustomed to the restless dreams and they've now become like my trusty black dog, a fact of life. It wasn't a bad dream or a good dream though so it could have been worse. I'd dreamt I had been shot at point blank before. All in slow motion and I felt myself falling and everything becoming hazy. It wasn't so dramatic this time. It was just another one of those dreams that tire you out because during the dream you felt a lot, thought a lot and it was mentally strenuous ... product of a restless mind perhaps. Well, probably.
It's been a week now since the contact and he's now fallen off the face the earth again. And me, I've been passing the days watching telly, DVDs, reading, chores and listening to songs on youtube, trying to find music that can put into words what I feel. Communication and contact in the modern world can be a very superficial and impersonal thing. Telephone, text messages, email, facebook ... you never quite have to face up to the person's reactions to what you've done, what you've said. You can just disappear and just fall off the face of the earth. There's never closure like that is there? I keep lurching between 'It'll all be a thing of the past, you just keep going on' and 'Some people just don't get over things and I must be one of them.' Been listening to Jay Chou and various other artistes and I've compiled a little list of songs that speak the words I cannot seem to find:
Retreat (Tui Hou) - Jay Chou
Silence (An Jing) - Jay Chou
A La Claire Fontaine - From the Painted Veil
Faraway - Nickelback
Miss You - Blink 182
Without You - Mariah Carey
Hero - Mariah Carey
The Voice Within - Christina Aguilera
Nothing Compares To You - Sinead O Connor
I Don't Feel Like Dancing - Scissor Sisters
Anyhow, I'm off on Friday, halfway around the world. I sometimes feel like I've fallen off the face of the earth as well. Just that where I've fallen, no one seems to be able to reach and every time I find some glimmer of hope, I discover it is no more than a mirage in a barren desert. I sometimes wish he never went back with me. I see him everywhere now. I see him in Paris, in London, in Warwick ... Like a spectre haunting my very being. Like my trusty black dog, following me wherever I go. He exists in times of happiness and that all fell into the black river when the ice broke. How do I build hope on a floating ice-berg that is melting?
...
The Sandman:
She's wallowing in self-pity again. Not to mention she's drenching my sleeping sand. It doesn't work very well on her these days.
Poppy:
Hmm ... yes she's a difficult one. It's that black dog I tell you. It keeps following her around and she's taken to keeping him there for company instead of running like she did before. Which is all very well as the nightmares used to run after her the minute she bolted. At least they're all friends now. Or at least accepting the fact that they're going to have to stay together for a while yet.
The Sandman:
She needs a more rational approach to things. Problems listed and solutions to try out.
Poppy:
You can hardly say she hasn't tried. She's never been a social kind of girl. No, that's not quite right. She's one of those extroverted introverts who need social contact to come alive but not quite the extroverted kind that are the life and soul of the party.
The Sandman:
So what has she done about her situation? Yes, granted she's done something with the career bits and she's keeping her focus on that but she keeps leaving her shadow behind. Her shadow's been returning to that same muddy spot and falling splat into the mud and sitting there for ages on end at times. That's hardly a solution. She's splitting herself into two and then God only knows how many more fragments she will split into next! She needs to pick herself up and get a move on.
Poppy:
And go where?
The Sandman:
Gosh you are quiet contrary now aren't you? She needs to do as everyone tells her. To be completely fine alone. She's not here for a long time but a good time.
Poppy:
Whoever heard of a party where there's no one but yourself? How does that work? You can't have a good time completely by yourself all the time? I daresay she's had her fair share of being completely alone in the very literal sense of the word. Who lives like that but hermits? And all those that tell her to be strong, to cope on her own, they don't live on their own. They sure have their problems but being a social being who is completely alone sure isn't one of them. I daresay trying to keep going is not something she hasn't done but without affection, she has become bitter and hateful of the world at times.
The Sandman:
My, my. Who's been sneaking around in her mind then eh? You're becoming biased. Life's not a bed of roses and it's never been fair. You know that is the way things are. There's no changing that and one cannot love to order just as you cannot bid the sun rise from the west and set in the east. You're sticking up for her too much and careful she doesn't hear what you think and believe you as well. It is dangerous to tip the balance. She's unhinged enough as it is.
Poppy:
"The heart asks pleasure first
and then excuse from pain
and then those little anodynes
that deaden suffering ... "
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