As it turns out, I've had another turbulent night of dreams but I can't remember the dream that I had last night. However, while I was on my way to buy chicken rice for grandmother yesterday, I was reminded of what yesterday night's dream. It was a rather gothic one. It was a stormy day and there was a tour group and Jon and I were there. We were not together at that point but somehow we went on the same aeroplane sculpture for some reason, it was a strange 3D virtual reality experience of Canterbury Cathedral ... I can't actually remember what the cathedral looks like though I've been. To be honest, it looks more like Chartres Cathedral instead from the outside. Anyway we got separated from the tour group and clambered up this aeroplane sculpture to take a photo or something arty like that when suddenly while we were inside, we plunged down a very strange landscape. It was as if we had fallen into a rusty tube with a slit through which we could see the cathedral far far away. Jon tried to manouvre the aeroplane while I was trying to reason with him that we shouldn't have moved at all since it was a sculpture and not a real aircraft. Still, he tried to do a L turn of some sort and then suddenly we were swung back to where we were as quickly as we fell into something that felt like an alternative universe.
I remember he was wearing pink and all the time I was shouting at him to tell him that it's completely crazy to try to steer an aeroplane sculpture and all, he was ignoring me. It was like I wasn't there. Then suddenly we were out in the rainstorm again with all the other tourists, standing along a stone wall like those in Yorkshire. Everyone started running away to hide from the storm but I just stood there, next to the unmoving aeroplane sculpture while everyone left. I looked to the left and there was the old grey stoney cathedral, looking like the House of Usher, just before lightning hit it.
So that was the dream.
As it happens, my conjectures on myths and legends and fortune telling have hit upon some inaccuracies. My mother in her past life killed an elephant, not a bird so my theory goes to pots. Oh well. It only goes to show that Dan Brown must have done lots of research for the Da Vinci Code otherwise his theories would fall to pots really quickly.
Yesterday, I went around viewing flats with my mum and there were a couple with good potential and I was glad. However when I lay in bed at night I felt a little sad that I was going to leave this place. It was going to be demolished. I feel somewhat as if my past is being erased from me. It's a rather debilitating feeling. Life is uncertain enough and now even history seems to be erasing itself from physical memory. What would we be without our memories? Nothing more than dandelions floating in the wind, aimless and rootless.
Perhaps it is as they say, we come with nothing into this world and we leave with nothing. But yet we are born into something aren't we? Why does everything get eroded once we move onto something else? Are we not allowed to have memories, why indeed do they always say don't look back? But I wish that you were here with me, not forever because there is no forever but as long as I have life in this world I wish so much that you were with me and every time I see your face in a photo or I feel your presence I wish that you would not go away and you would just look at me like you used to do and I wish so much that we could go back into the days when you held my hand in yours and wouldn't let go and we played silly games when we were bored ... only you and I know this but as the buildings fall and the memories fade forever for you only I am left standing on that barren heath holding onto nothing but my ragged memories which threaten to disappear forever into nothingness and what would I have left?
Il y a longtemps que je t'aime
jamais je ne t'oublierai ...
I met up with some friends for dinner last night and it was very jolly - I've known these friends for ages. Joanne I've known since primary school as she was my neighbour and we had Chinese tuition together. She lived on the 12th floor and I on the 9th. Leyu I've known since I was 13, when we went to secondary school together and Marianne I've known since I was 8 years old, when we were in the same class at primary 3 to 6 and then again in junior college, where we were all in the same class together.
I've made it a point to see friends whenever I'm back and it gets more and more difficult each year as people get married, move away, are too busy with work, and their own social lives with workmates, university mates, etc. I guess I'll stop moaning when I too get too busy with work to do anything else. I told Dr Hadley that I look forward to that day to come, when I have work. JA says that with work, one feels less bored and doesn't question things in life so much. Anisha and Dr Hadley don't think it will solve anything by burying oneself in work but at least I'm trying to do work I would enjoy. It's gone dark and angry-looking outside. It's another monsoonal thunderstorm I expect. Deep down I am so afraid but I struggle to steel myself against everything. I will not fall because of men. I will go on and conquer in spite of them. Sigh. The storms seem more and more like a reflection of my internal state. It doesn't rain here but it pours.
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