The Sandman:
Facebook is both a blessing and a bane. She has chosen to cut herself constantly, regularly instead of being stabbed when turning a corner. I'm not sure that's better than complete avoidance.
The Poppy:
She's tried avoidance. She'd have to avoid the lot of them if she wanted to be free. Every one of those Imperial people, anyone connected to him ... even if she's on the other side of the world it would be pretty difficult. Memories are interwoven after all. She has chosen to remain connected and so she has to pay the price.
...
This is my letter to the world
that never wrote to me --
I know I made a choice, possibly not such a considered choice but I think I did my best, all things considered. I chose to stay in touch, I chose to remain close. I was ignored, you tried your best I know but it is my fault for not letting go. Jasmine tells me that I should stop being so thick-headed and I simply told her perhaps she could see this as my OCD. I have chosen to cut myself because I would rather know than not know and avoid and pretend that things have not moved on that you had never gone. JB tells me to get an Aston Martin and stop harping over a Ford Escort but maybe what I'm really doing is giving up driving.
I am tired and last night I lay in bed, tears in my eyes ... they sometimes come spontaneously like old friends coming to visit and I can't stop them. They don't stay long so it's ok. I have made friends with them now. I think of what people will never see and only pray that Jesus is carrying me. I feel the solitary silence deep inside. It is not really loneliness ... it is perhaps more akin to one who has accepted that loneliness has become the norm. This is what life is like - it doesn't mean that it won't be fulfilling but that it is a long road that you will take by yourself. You will feel very much by yourself, you will have many silences, no one can reach into your heart now. That key has been lost and that room inside you have boarded up and only dust and spiderwebs will now dwell within. You have closed the door and kept out the draught as well as you can. You can't give it to someone else. It was only for him. It was custom-made - no one else measures up.
So I've given up driving. I know he won't come back. LF sent a message to him about doing a curry night and that he could bring whoever he liked. Two years ago that whoever would have been me. Today it will be someone else. The girl he is currently dating. The girl from Cambridge. I grit my teeth and focus on work and think about Van Gogh when he was rejected by the girl he loved. Sorrow is a great friend of art. I pray that I have some scattering of genius. If nothing else I will work hard and try to keep as warm as possible. I will not wallow. I will fight on and stand tall. I will smile until the last drop of blood leaves my body. I will fall and get up myself. I will keep moving I must keep moving I will keep smiling I must keep going. I will keep myself going.
You died two years ago and left me behind. There is someone who looks a lot like you but he is different I am sure. I will never feel your touch again, never hold your hand again. I only wish where your body lies so I may see you and run to you and sit by you sometimes when things get too much when I can no longer hold back the tears when the spectres visit my dreams ... if you could only see. But then you are dead. You died two years ago.
I walk a lonely road
the only one I have ever known
don't know where it goes
but it's only me and I walk alone.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Sunday, 23 September 2007
When it is only you that holds onto a particular memory or set of memories from a given time in your life, you feel as though perhaps they could be no more than a figment of your imagination. Especially if those with whom you shared the time with and shared those memories with have now ceased to feature in your life and also have ceased to hold onto those memories. It is as if the past as you know it never happened and you only imagined it. As time erodes the details of those memories you hold so dear, that remind you of where you came from and what you knew and learnt, that defines and shapes your identity, doubts about what really happened creep into your consciousness at an alarming rate abd you begin to question if you ever lived the life you thought you did, if you ever went through those experiences, if you ever had the relationships you thought you had, if you ever felt the things you think you felt, if you are who you think you are ...
Who are you?
If everyone or at least the ones with whom you shared the most intimate and vulnerable parts of yourself now cease to acknowledge your existence or partake in being a part of your identity, if they appear to be completely indifferent to your life or death, if they are indifferent to your existence, how then can one not feel that one's sense of oneself and one's past might have been the fruit borne of an overactive imagination? A second life that you thought you lived, but perhaps never really did. There is no proof that you did. Only your memories. Do you believe what you remember or is it only what you think you remember? How do you believe such intangible things as thoughts? If no one else knows you exist and those who ought to know appear to have disappeared off the face of the earth then you have no way of remembering who you were ...
Then how do you move on to become who you will be when you don't even know who you are, when you have all the missing pieces forming gaping holes you cannot seem to patch up or ignore without the apparitions rising in your dreams, your restless sleep. How do you become whole when you never were to start with? How do you secure the door to your heart when you gave the key away to someone who has thrown it into the gutter?
If you didn't have the remaining pieces then perhaps you could and would have to start over from scratch but because you have pieces of yourself you know there are bits missing and how then do you cast away the past?
Perhaps we only need pieces of ourselves to survive but then again perhaps we need to find what's missing in order to live.
To have no history is to be adrift in the vast ocean of anonymity. To have no memory - and I refer to shared memories - could well mean you have no identity. Personal memories and thoughts if not remembered, are as good as non-existent. Shared memories anchor you to a social network, a community. They are like invisible bonds that persist when the details cease to exist. You may not remember exactly what you did with another but you feel a closeness from having shared experiences, shared your time, shared yourself. When these bonds are broken or thrown out, discarded and forgotten, the one who still holds on the other side and depends on the bonds to build their sense of self, now becomes like a building with its foundations ripped out.
Who are you? Where do you come from? Is there anyone out there? Who knows you? Who really knows you? I think therefore I am. I remember and am remembered therefore I exist. There is no good in being without existing in a wider context. No man is an island. Nor woman, boy or girl.
Who are you?
If everyone or at least the ones with whom you shared the most intimate and vulnerable parts of yourself now cease to acknowledge your existence or partake in being a part of your identity, if they appear to be completely indifferent to your life or death, if they are indifferent to your existence, how then can one not feel that one's sense of oneself and one's past might have been the fruit borne of an overactive imagination? A second life that you thought you lived, but perhaps never really did. There is no proof that you did. Only your memories. Do you believe what you remember or is it only what you think you remember? How do you believe such intangible things as thoughts? If no one else knows you exist and those who ought to know appear to have disappeared off the face of the earth then you have no way of remembering who you were ...
Then how do you move on to become who you will be when you don't even know who you are, when you have all the missing pieces forming gaping holes you cannot seem to patch up or ignore without the apparitions rising in your dreams, your restless sleep. How do you become whole when you never were to start with? How do you secure the door to your heart when you gave the key away to someone who has thrown it into the gutter?
If you didn't have the remaining pieces then perhaps you could and would have to start over from scratch but because you have pieces of yourself you know there are bits missing and how then do you cast away the past?
Perhaps we only need pieces of ourselves to survive but then again perhaps we need to find what's missing in order to live.
To have no history is to be adrift in the vast ocean of anonymity. To have no memory - and I refer to shared memories - could well mean you have no identity. Personal memories and thoughts if not remembered, are as good as non-existent. Shared memories anchor you to a social network, a community. They are like invisible bonds that persist when the details cease to exist. You may not remember exactly what you did with another but you feel a closeness from having shared experiences, shared your time, shared yourself. When these bonds are broken or thrown out, discarded and forgotten, the one who still holds on the other side and depends on the bonds to build their sense of self, now becomes like a building with its foundations ripped out.
Who are you? Where do you come from? Is there anyone out there? Who knows you? Who really knows you? I think therefore I am. I remember and am remembered therefore I exist. There is no good in being without existing in a wider context. No man is an island. Nor woman, boy or girl.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Monday, 17 September 2007
I'm back home after the introductory lecture this morning. It was a little disorganised but it was all right generally in relaying the information. In a way I already knew most of it but it's always good to be told again about the library, student services, study support and there was also a nice slide-show of the work produced in last year's graduation show by students on our Diploma course. It all looked quite professional. There were 2 people who went on to do masters courses after this diploma. It may be something I would consider but only if I have funding and also if I find that the job-search is not working out. First things first, I'm going to do the best I can on this course.
Meeting the course librarian was useful - we had a handout that listed all the shoe and accessories resources in the library. Looks good. We also met a design tutor who is taking the footwear people - he's called something that sounds like Chocolate and it wasn't because my tummy was rumbling. He is teaching at Polimoda too which is the Florentine Design school which is known for shoe and accessory design. How exciting. Which reminds me, I need to write my thank-you letters to my tutors on the Foundation for their reference letters though I didn't get the funding in the end. Oh well eh.
Looking back, I sometimes have doubts as to whether I should have done the foundation, mainly because of the expense but then weighing up the pros and cons, the pros definitely outweigh the cons and when conviction ebbs away I really need to remember the pros of having done a foundation in order to stick to my guns. I'd spent all my own savings from working 2 years in London on the Art and Design Foundation and the expense is a big thing that freaked me out completely when I started one year ago. If not for the expense then I think I would be completely fine. It's probably partly because I'm thinking about the possibility of doing a masters but then I think I'm jumping ahead too much in considering that when I've not even started on this year. The other thing is having spent a year on a foundation which is sort of extra time that has made me feel that I'm 'wasting' time and it gets a bit scary when I look at my other friends and see that they have put down money for houses, investments and all that. Then again, there are those who haven't and I mustn't compare what I have achieved with what they have achieved because it's like comparing apples and oranges. It's only because I have successfully completed the foundation that I am thinking that actually I could have perhaps not done a foundation but then actually, I wouldn't be at the same state of mind had I not done a foundation.
The good things about having done a foundation course is that I've had exposure to fine art and design basics as well. Especially the life drawing and visual studies training - that has been really useful and my sketchbooks are things I am proud of. That has definitely given me confidence and I have learnt a lot about my abilities and limitations as well, breaking free and loosening up my work being the main thing to improve on though I'm not sure if I'm ready to go completely wild yet - Dr H says that perhaps I need to let go and fall off the edge. Baby steps, I say. Design studies have been insightful too in terms of preparing mood-boards, analysis boards, illustrations and all that has given me a better idea of how to present my work, which I was pretty clueless about before. Apart from the skills and knowledge gained on the foundation, I'm also probably in a better emotional state to take on this course. I have a part-time job now which is good for my financial state and sense of security. I have made the transition from working life to student life and so I'm not as traumatised by the constraints as before. One year ago, it was quite difficult settling into the whole returning to education thing, and this time round I'm definitely more calm about it all. I've come to accept loneliness as a part of life as well ...
God give me the courage to change what I cannot accept, the serenity to accept what I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
We keeping going no matter what. God willing, I will keep going, in spite of it all. Tomorrow I will go for my first formal lessons at Golden Lane ... !
Meeting the course librarian was useful - we had a handout that listed all the shoe and accessories resources in the library. Looks good. We also met a design tutor who is taking the footwear people - he's called something that sounds like Chocolate and it wasn't because my tummy was rumbling. He is teaching at Polimoda too which is the Florentine Design school which is known for shoe and accessory design. How exciting. Which reminds me, I need to write my thank-you letters to my tutors on the Foundation for their reference letters though I didn't get the funding in the end. Oh well eh.
Looking back, I sometimes have doubts as to whether I should have done the foundation, mainly because of the expense but then weighing up the pros and cons, the pros definitely outweigh the cons and when conviction ebbs away I really need to remember the pros of having done a foundation in order to stick to my guns. I'd spent all my own savings from working 2 years in London on the Art and Design Foundation and the expense is a big thing that freaked me out completely when I started one year ago. If not for the expense then I think I would be completely fine. It's probably partly because I'm thinking about the possibility of doing a masters but then I think I'm jumping ahead too much in considering that when I've not even started on this year. The other thing is having spent a year on a foundation which is sort of extra time that has made me feel that I'm 'wasting' time and it gets a bit scary when I look at my other friends and see that they have put down money for houses, investments and all that. Then again, there are those who haven't and I mustn't compare what I have achieved with what they have achieved because it's like comparing apples and oranges. It's only because I have successfully completed the foundation that I am thinking that actually I could have perhaps not done a foundation but then actually, I wouldn't be at the same state of mind had I not done a foundation.
The good things about having done a foundation course is that I've had exposure to fine art and design basics as well. Especially the life drawing and visual studies training - that has been really useful and my sketchbooks are things I am proud of. That has definitely given me confidence and I have learnt a lot about my abilities and limitations as well, breaking free and loosening up my work being the main thing to improve on though I'm not sure if I'm ready to go completely wild yet - Dr H says that perhaps I need to let go and fall off the edge. Baby steps, I say. Design studies have been insightful too in terms of preparing mood-boards, analysis boards, illustrations and all that has given me a better idea of how to present my work, which I was pretty clueless about before. Apart from the skills and knowledge gained on the foundation, I'm also probably in a better emotional state to take on this course. I have a part-time job now which is good for my financial state and sense of security. I have made the transition from working life to student life and so I'm not as traumatised by the constraints as before. One year ago, it was quite difficult settling into the whole returning to education thing, and this time round I'm definitely more calm about it all. I've come to accept loneliness as a part of life as well ...
God give me the courage to change what I cannot accept, the serenity to accept what I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.
We keeping going no matter what. God willing, I will keep going, in spite of it all. Tomorrow I will go for my first formal lessons at Golden Lane ... !
Friday, September 14, 2007
Friday, 14 September 2007
Sometimes I wonder if I purposely remember dates or if somehow some dates just get stuck in my head. I looked at the calendar today and thought to myself, ah. It's a month to the day when it will be two years since my life got officially turned upside down and thrown on its back, left in the mud out in the cold. It was a Friday two years ago. This year it'll be a Sunday. I shall be at work. That is a good thing.
Anyway. This is my first post in a while and it's also my first post in London. I left Singapore on the 6th of September. It was emotional but I controlled myself and so did my mum, as always. We are so controlled or at least she is that sometimes it makes me feel weak that I cannot. She's really traditional as Auntie Anne says. I arrived at about 7pm London time and got stuck in a 2 hour queue at immigration which was gruelling as I basically stood for 2 hours and then had to look for my luggage which had been chucked off the carousel long ago (or maybe not so long ago, knowing the efficiency levels at Heathrow haha) and then came the long journey back to the flat. Thank goodness I wasn't made to go to the Health Control like 3 years ago - that would have added another hour and a half to my waiting time and thank goodness that the tube strikes had stopped and I could take the tube back. Otherwise it would have been tiring and expensive.
Finally got back to the flat at 11pm and caught my sister before she went to bed which was nice as I was going to take the Eurostar to Paris the next morning to visit trade shows with my auntie. I went to bed at 1am, got up at 6am and left for Paris on the 8.12am train. I was so tired that morning I walked into my bed and still have a bruise and cut to show for it! Arrived at about quarter to noon and then took the Metro to Argentine to get to the hotel. I arrived at 12.30pm and at 1pm off we went to the Maison&Objet show. It was very interesting though rather tiring. In the evening, we went to a Vietnamese restaurant on Rue Pierre Charbon for dinner. The fried spring rolls and pho was very nice though some of the other dishes weren't so good for what it cost. Never order vegetables in a restaurant is probably a good rule of thumb. Especially if they come by some generic name as seasonal mixed vegetables. We got beansprouts. I'm not certain that is at all seasonal or regional or very mixed at all! Oh well.
Next morning I woke up at 6am due to jetlag and then lay in bed till 7am when I got up and tried to take photos of the Arc de Triomphe from the hotel window by sticking my arm out with my cameraphone and then using the other hand to press the button. This was quite tricky as I was tired, slightly worried that I would drop my phone and also, I could not actually see the picture when it was being taken. After a few attempts I managed to get a good enough shot that could be used as my wallpaper. We had breakfast and then at 9.30am we set off for the trade shows again, this time till about 4.30pm. We went back to the hotel, had a rest and then went to an evening church service as we wanted to go to a Premiere Classe the next morning before I returned on the 2.43pm train to Waterloo. In the evening we went to a really lovely art nouveau restaurant on Rue Marbeuf called La Fermette Marbeuf where we had traditional french food and some wine. I chose Pouilly Fume which was quite light and nice. I wasn't that hungry due to jetlag but managed to have a main (artic char with almonds) and most of my dessert which was creme brulee. Auntie Anne had salmon and then flambeed crepes with grand marnier.
C'etait tres bien.
So that was the tiring but insightful weekend at the trade shows in Paris. I thought it was very interesting if a little tiring. It really isn't a jolly. It's pure solid work and after a while it was difficult to keep focused as everything started to look similar. Greys and silvers were big in the fashion trends, seaside themes and monochrome black and white was big on the interiors. It was a strange fusion of blingtastic modernism with lots of references to old-style grandeur done in a new way. For instance, you'd have an 18th century french chaise print in jewel tones more often seen on patent leather accesories of Spring/Summer 07 on an clear acrylic chair.
I arrived at 5pm back in the flat which was nice. I wasn't hungry at all, having had a filling lunch and a bite to eat on the train so I skipped dinner that evening. A good thing too since I didn't actually have any food. I had some Milo and that was it. I was really sleepy but then I wanted to stay awake till a reasonable time for bed. That was 10pm and I succeeded. The next morning, I had some Cocopops (my sis' preferred cereal) and then off I went to work at the shop. I was still quite tired but going to work was good - not only do I get to earn some dosh but also keeps me awake! I had to enrol at 4pm so it was only half a day and the enrolment went quite smoothly which was good - no waiting at all which was fabulous so I was all done in under an hour! Off I went home, taking a detour to the supermarket on the way, and that evening I dropped off to sleep at 9.30pm.
Tuesday and Wednesday were spent at work again and finally yesterday, I managed to have a wee bit of a lie-in and get some rest. I also tidied my room, vacuumed the carpet, cleared out old papers and sorted my stuff out, got organised. That continued till today and suddenly it's been a week since I've returned.
I put my old photos up on facebook yesterday, in between cleaning, and I was quite happy to put them up. I'd found them in a sealed box that hadn't been opened since 2004 when I graduated. They were photos of the 21st birthday party that Jon and James jointly hosted and photos of the graduation ball. I decided to put them on Facebook and share them with my hallmates after much deliberation. I decided that I wanted to remember my lovely Warwick days instead of chucking them all out just to avoid thinking about Jon. Avoidance doesn't help - it simply leaves a gaping hole in my memory of the past, which includes happy memories too which, if I simply shut out altogether, leaves me uncertain of who I am, where I have come from and I musn't do that. I mustn't avoid the past and erase everything. It hasn't helped in 2 years and if I choose to keep in touch with friends with whom we have a shared history together then I must accept that his presence will pervade my life to some extent. It is unavoidable. What is that saying, God grant me the courage to change the things I cannot accept, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Going back to Singapore has reminded me that life is short, precious and life is not about yourself. Life is about your interaction with those you love, be it family or friends. In my case I feel a stronger tie to my mother, sister and grandmother. After waving goodbye at the airport I fought the tears till I went to the toilet and I had a bit of a cry. I would have cried a little more if the janitor hadn't come in to clean the loos. It was probably a good thing though. Last night, my sister told me the good news that she got a permanent job finally and I was really happy. She'd been hoping for this for a long time now and having a steady job meant security for herself and also for my mum, for the new place and it also made me feel more secure as at least my mother wouldn't worry too much about my sister (apart from her single status).
Last night as I hugged Monkey I suddenly had a flashback of when my mother went to London on holiday with a fellow secretary - a gift holiday from the company in recognition of their good service - and I was only little, probably about 6 years old and I got really scared without my mother at night. I remember my sister sitting me on her knee and letting me hold her special little pillow which she never ever let me hold (it was the soft one with fuchsia roses on it) but to comfort me missing my mother she let me hold it that evening when I got upset. My mother worries a little about us not having someone to look after us when she is gone. I hope that will be a long time yet. I told her that it didn't matter as my sister and I had each other and it didn't matter that we didn't have anyone else to look after us as we'd look after each other. That's the good thing about having two children instead of just the one.
I hate thinking about things like that as it upsets me. In many ways I am still the little girl sitting on her sister's knee who gets upset when her mother isn't there. I am fiercely independent in many ways but some children wander freely from their mothers but I was always holding onto my mother's skirt when she couldn't hold my hand when in the shops. I don't like to feel abandoned. This is still something I react to very strongly. Still, I've been quite lucky all things considered. I have a chance to chase a dream.
Run Forrest, run.
Anyway. This is my first post in a while and it's also my first post in London. I left Singapore on the 6th of September. It was emotional but I controlled myself and so did my mum, as always. We are so controlled or at least she is that sometimes it makes me feel weak that I cannot. She's really traditional as Auntie Anne says. I arrived at about 7pm London time and got stuck in a 2 hour queue at immigration which was gruelling as I basically stood for 2 hours and then had to look for my luggage which had been chucked off the carousel long ago (or maybe not so long ago, knowing the efficiency levels at Heathrow haha) and then came the long journey back to the flat. Thank goodness I wasn't made to go to the Health Control like 3 years ago - that would have added another hour and a half to my waiting time and thank goodness that the tube strikes had stopped and I could take the tube back. Otherwise it would have been tiring and expensive.
Finally got back to the flat at 11pm and caught my sister before she went to bed which was nice as I was going to take the Eurostar to Paris the next morning to visit trade shows with my auntie. I went to bed at 1am, got up at 6am and left for Paris on the 8.12am train. I was so tired that morning I walked into my bed and still have a bruise and cut to show for it! Arrived at about quarter to noon and then took the Metro to Argentine to get to the hotel. I arrived at 12.30pm and at 1pm off we went to the Maison&Objet show. It was very interesting though rather tiring. In the evening, we went to a Vietnamese restaurant on Rue Pierre Charbon for dinner. The fried spring rolls and pho was very nice though some of the other dishes weren't so good for what it cost. Never order vegetables in a restaurant is probably a good rule of thumb. Especially if they come by some generic name as seasonal mixed vegetables. We got beansprouts. I'm not certain that is at all seasonal or regional or very mixed at all! Oh well.
Next morning I woke up at 6am due to jetlag and then lay in bed till 7am when I got up and tried to take photos of the Arc de Triomphe from the hotel window by sticking my arm out with my cameraphone and then using the other hand to press the button. This was quite tricky as I was tired, slightly worried that I would drop my phone and also, I could not actually see the picture when it was being taken. After a few attempts I managed to get a good enough shot that could be used as my wallpaper. We had breakfast and then at 9.30am we set off for the trade shows again, this time till about 4.30pm. We went back to the hotel, had a rest and then went to an evening church service as we wanted to go to a Premiere Classe the next morning before I returned on the 2.43pm train to Waterloo. In the evening we went to a really lovely art nouveau restaurant on Rue Marbeuf called La Fermette Marbeuf where we had traditional french food and some wine. I chose Pouilly Fume which was quite light and nice. I wasn't that hungry due to jetlag but managed to have a main (artic char with almonds) and most of my dessert which was creme brulee. Auntie Anne had salmon and then flambeed crepes with grand marnier.
C'etait tres bien.
So that was the tiring but insightful weekend at the trade shows in Paris. I thought it was very interesting if a little tiring. It really isn't a jolly. It's pure solid work and after a while it was difficult to keep focused as everything started to look similar. Greys and silvers were big in the fashion trends, seaside themes and monochrome black and white was big on the interiors. It was a strange fusion of blingtastic modernism with lots of references to old-style grandeur done in a new way. For instance, you'd have an 18th century french chaise print in jewel tones more often seen on patent leather accesories of Spring/Summer 07 on an clear acrylic chair.
I arrived at 5pm back in the flat which was nice. I wasn't hungry at all, having had a filling lunch and a bite to eat on the train so I skipped dinner that evening. A good thing too since I didn't actually have any food. I had some Milo and that was it. I was really sleepy but then I wanted to stay awake till a reasonable time for bed. That was 10pm and I succeeded. The next morning, I had some Cocopops (my sis' preferred cereal) and then off I went to work at the shop. I was still quite tired but going to work was good - not only do I get to earn some dosh but also keeps me awake! I had to enrol at 4pm so it was only half a day and the enrolment went quite smoothly which was good - no waiting at all which was fabulous so I was all done in under an hour! Off I went home, taking a detour to the supermarket on the way, and that evening I dropped off to sleep at 9.30pm.
Tuesday and Wednesday were spent at work again and finally yesterday, I managed to have a wee bit of a lie-in and get some rest. I also tidied my room, vacuumed the carpet, cleared out old papers and sorted my stuff out, got organised. That continued till today and suddenly it's been a week since I've returned.
I put my old photos up on facebook yesterday, in between cleaning, and I was quite happy to put them up. I'd found them in a sealed box that hadn't been opened since 2004 when I graduated. They were photos of the 21st birthday party that Jon and James jointly hosted and photos of the graduation ball. I decided to put them on Facebook and share them with my hallmates after much deliberation. I decided that I wanted to remember my lovely Warwick days instead of chucking them all out just to avoid thinking about Jon. Avoidance doesn't help - it simply leaves a gaping hole in my memory of the past, which includes happy memories too which, if I simply shut out altogether, leaves me uncertain of who I am, where I have come from and I musn't do that. I mustn't avoid the past and erase everything. It hasn't helped in 2 years and if I choose to keep in touch with friends with whom we have a shared history together then I must accept that his presence will pervade my life to some extent. It is unavoidable. What is that saying, God grant me the courage to change the things I cannot accept, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Going back to Singapore has reminded me that life is short, precious and life is not about yourself. Life is about your interaction with those you love, be it family or friends. In my case I feel a stronger tie to my mother, sister and grandmother. After waving goodbye at the airport I fought the tears till I went to the toilet and I had a bit of a cry. I would have cried a little more if the janitor hadn't come in to clean the loos. It was probably a good thing though. Last night, my sister told me the good news that she got a permanent job finally and I was really happy. She'd been hoping for this for a long time now and having a steady job meant security for herself and also for my mum, for the new place and it also made me feel more secure as at least my mother wouldn't worry too much about my sister (apart from her single status).
Last night as I hugged Monkey I suddenly had a flashback of when my mother went to London on holiday with a fellow secretary - a gift holiday from the company in recognition of their good service - and I was only little, probably about 6 years old and I got really scared without my mother at night. I remember my sister sitting me on her knee and letting me hold her special little pillow which she never ever let me hold (it was the soft one with fuchsia roses on it) but to comfort me missing my mother she let me hold it that evening when I got upset. My mother worries a little about us not having someone to look after us when she is gone. I hope that will be a long time yet. I told her that it didn't matter as my sister and I had each other and it didn't matter that we didn't have anyone else to look after us as we'd look after each other. That's the good thing about having two children instead of just the one.
I hate thinking about things like that as it upsets me. In many ways I am still the little girl sitting on her sister's knee who gets upset when her mother isn't there. I am fiercely independent in many ways but some children wander freely from their mothers but I was always holding onto my mother's skirt when she couldn't hold my hand when in the shops. I don't like to feel abandoned. This is still something I react to very strongly. Still, I've been quite lucky all things considered. I have a chance to chase a dream.
Run Forrest, run.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Sunday, 2 September 2007
Whoosh and a week goes by. I had quite an eventful week - been working all week at my aunt's place, helping her out with graphic on Photoshop for her proposals for Christmas decorations, while fitting in errands and meeting friends. Monday I collected my passport so finished early but after that it was quite intensive but I was glad I had the discipline to leave on time-ish. Tuesday, I left at 5.45pm but only managed to get home at about 7.20pm so it takes quite a while ... sometimes I get worried about my work ethic, but then it's work life balance that I should really keep focused on, not working till there's nothing left in life than work. Especially when I have priorities to spend more time with my mother. I think my priorities are right. Even if I wasn't leaving for studies overseas, one mustn't let work become one's life. As Eunice says, even if the bosses reprimand you, even if you miss a deadline, you wouldn't die. After all, there are limits to how much one can and should work. Easier said than done sometimes, especially if everyone around you is working like a maniac.
Anyhow Wednesday I left early as well as I wanted to get home to get changed and showered before meeting Eunice for dinner at City Hall - that was quite pleasant though I got back late and had to fork out dosh for a cab to get to City Hall in time. Still, it was good as we ate at the food court and that saved some money. She's still the same and she's got a good head. She puts things in perspective for me sometimes as she's more worldly I guess. It's funny - she's like a big sister in a way though I'm actually older than her. But then she's more of a rebel and I'm pretty much the goody-two-shoes. At college I was designated the driver for everyone when people went out clubbing ... that was in jest but then I'm the responsible one who wouldn't drink, etc. The only problem is that I don't drive. I should learn someday but then if I haven't got a car there's no real point. One step at a time I think. Get trained up, get a job then get other things ...
Thursday ... ah yes I worked till 7.30pm and finally got home at 9pm - that was really stressful as I don't like to be outside my room when my father is around so I had to shower, have dinner, do laundry and dry my hair in double quick time. Gosh. Then came Friday. I worked till 6.30pm which was reasonable I thought, then went to meet Zhiying and Zhixiu in Orchard. I had finished the graphics for the second project so that was cool. I was meant to meet ZX and ZY at 7.30pm but got there early at 7.05pm so I popped to Osmose, tried on the couple of blouses I'd seen a week and a half ago but decided to think about it then ... and bought them. All in 20 minutes which was good. I like efficient shopping. I also like to think about things I'm not too sure about for a while and return. There aren't always return policies and mainly only exchanges within 7 days or 3 days even so it's good to prevent impulse buying. Obviously sometimes this backfires as when you finally decide that you want to purchase the item, many other people have decided that too and beat you to it such that it's completely sold out. Then you can blame it on divine intervention or be miserable forever. I usually take to the former school of thought and save being miserable for larger things like a dysfunctional family problems, struggling with existentialism and trying to get Jesus to carry me through.
I digress.
ZX, ZY and I had dinner at Thai Express and it was lovely to see them again. Friends like these you know will be friends of life, we can be the singlehood haha ... things don't seem to change fundamentally with friends like these and you feel so comfortable with them, though obviously you have to work on keeping in touch.
I met up with Zhiying again today. We went to Sentosa to walk by the beach. It was raining when we headed out at about 2pm but it cleared up towards 3.30pm so it was all right. There was even a nice blue sky overhead for a while and some decent sunshine. We chatted quite openly which we hadn't done for over a year now. She'd been distraught at having to return to Singapore from NYC at the end of 2005 and it had been difficult to speak being so far away and both of us being wrapped up in our own problems. But I'm glad she updated me on what horrors had happened to her after she'd returned to Singapore, about her various jobs and disappointments that she was being treated like crap at various production houses, and insulted financially, overworked and underpaid ... verbally insulted as well. I must confess I can't really know how she is feeling as I haven't experienced it myself but I was glad she was telling me stuff again as we'd told each other everything since we were 15 but since she returned to Singapore we'd had a break in communication.
It's virtually impossible to empathise and I found myself doing the apparently very male thing of trying to think of how to solve her problems. Oh dear, I'm sure I'm going to grow a beard soon at this rate but I guess when I don't have the emotional sides to her troubles and harrowing experiences, I tend to focus on what can be done about helping her move on now as she's still scarred from her jobs thus far. Sigh. Well, I'm glad at least she's started on a decent film-related job now again though. Hopefully the stigma of the vicious shark-infested media industry won't scar her too much. She is paranoid about getting into all that mess again, being abused, with no unions or representation, with threats of being blacklisted if she quits, not being paid on time, or enough even to live on, being told that her NYC experience counts for nothing because it's a different scene here, etc ... People can be so cruel sometimes it's unfathomable. Anyhow so far it's going ok in this job and she has a good chance of staying on till December or maybe June next year which will bode well for her bank account and loan repayments to her parents and her medical costs and hopefully heal the disappointment and disillusionment from her first experiences. I shall pray hard for her and I'm glad I know what I can pray for now.
Sometimes I feel quite lucky. At least according to the medical check-up I'm pretty much ok health-wise. As they say, health is wealth. That's very true. That is something that money cannot buy once it is lost.
Yesterday though, I thought I was going to injure the health of my father right in public. It sounds silly but I wanted to stab him with the pointed end of a large golfing umbrella. He'd called up in the middle of the day while mum, grandma and I were having lunch and then said he wanted to have dinner out either in the evening or the next day i.e. this evening. Mum and I had a nice afternoon browsing the shops and we also watched Ratatouille which was funny and enjoyable only to be capped off with my blood boiling and hot angry tears rising up in tandem with my blood pressure. I was so angry I even shouted out in the street. First he demands to eat out, obviously having no money to foot the bill and so my mother has to pay for the dinner as well as the cab fare to take my grandmother there and back ... what kind of lout does that? Family to him is only family when it is useful, when we can be cash cows to be milked for all we're worth. Then after finishing dinner, he asks to borrow $10 from my mother for his transport and I cannot believe my ears. I have heard of his borrowing antics countless times for much larger amounts as well as his 'borrowing' which really means he spends a vast sum he does not have, then waits for my mother to pay the debts or threatens that the house will go to the creditors if the debts are not settled. Just hearing about all these things incenses me but actually witnessing it happening, well that's completely different. When he opened his mouth to ask for money I was both shocked in a way (oh my goodness this is ACTUALLY happening) and gosh my anger levels accelerated faster than a DB9 driven by the Stig. According to my mum I was actually glaring at him and well on hindsight if I hadn't quite been so shocked I would have not given a flying f... that we were in a public place. So was he using the cover of public spaces to ask for money after getting a free meal? I was so angry so so so angry. It was probably a good thing that I was semi shocked that this was actually happening and didn't burst out otherwise my mother would have been terribly embarrassed. She is of the old-school stiff upper lip kind where even if a vampire was sucking the lifeblood out of you, as long as it was a public place one would not make a scene.
It makes me terribly terribly guilty for taking money from my mum though I am so glad that I paid for my visa myself even though my mother wanted to pay for that. She was quite annoyed that I'd gone and exchanged pounds for dollars and lost out on the exchange rate but I think that's the least I can do. For all the guilt and strain I bear here he was sticking his hand out for money after making her take him out to dinner. I was so incensed that when he gave me the umbrella to take home as he was going out gallivanting God-knows-where I was really really tempted to stab him with it or hit him with it to knock some sense into him. Doesn't he know what he's doing? Doesn't he have any shame? I just shouted it out after he left, asking my mother why she gave him her travel card with $25 in it when he'd only asked for $10. I just shouted that out and shouted that he had no shame and gosh I was so angry I wanted to hurl the umbrella or hit something with it. Or someone. Him. If it knocks any sense into him I would do it. Adrenaline fuelled by anger is a powerful thing. However, until I have a proper job and am not earning yet I cannot make my feelings clear to him as I am just like him in a way, a leech sucking money from my poor mother.
Dr Hadley would probably have disagreed to that statement. Ah well, I guess I might not be completely free from my destructive thinking patterns but at least I can identify them now and try to be more balanced. At least I have a part-time job and I don't spend more than I can afford to. At least I have guilt and shame so I won't be a complete waster. God willing, I will be financially independent. Thank God for my auntie who hires me part-time and for David Mellor for the weekend job.
And for all my friends who take me out and make me laugh and help me remember that I have them too. For now at least. Until they're all married, every single one. Well then there's the singlehood haha. Maybe I should make a pact like in My Best Friend's Wedding. What was it ... if we're both not married by 30 then we'll get married. Nah.. I couldn't do that. Not if I'm still thinking of Finch, to whom it probably would not matter if I'd died. That would be unfair to the other person. That's not the way to go. It must be for love. Am I being idealistic?
Bu zai hu tian chang di jiu, zhi zai hu ceng jin yong you.
Better to die having lived ideals than live having let ideals die ...
The Sandman:
She needs to work on that.
Poppy:
Hmm. Yes. She's thinking of "The Hours".
...
Leonard Woolf: If I didn't know you better I'd call this ingratitude.
Virginia Woolf: I am ungrateful? You call ME ungrateful? My life has been stolen from me. I'm living in a town I have no wish to live in... I'm living a life I have no wish to live... How did this happen?
Virginia Woolf: I'm dying in this town.
Leonard Woolf: If you were thinking clearly, Virginia, you would recall it was London that brought you low. Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly?
Leonard Woolf: We brought you to Richmond to give you peace.
Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too.
Virginia Woolf: This is my right; it is the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of the Capital, that is my choice. The meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for your sake, Leonard, I could be happy in this quietness ... But if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death.
Virginia Woolf: You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard.
Clarissa Vaughn: That is what we do. That is what people do. They stay alive for each other.
Virginia Woolf: Dear Leonard. To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.
Clarissa Vaughn: I don't know what's happening to me. I seemed to be unraveling.
Virginia Woolf: I've been attended by doctors, who inform me OF MY OWN INTERESTS.
Virginia Woolf: A woman's whole life in a single day. Just one day. And in that day her whole life.
Kitty: Oh, you're reading a book?
Laura Brown: Yeah.
Kitty: What's this one about?
Laura Brown: Oh, it's about this woman who's incredibly - well, she's a hostess and she's incredibly confident and she's going to give a party. And, maybe because she's confident, everyone thinks she's fine... but she isn't.
Laura Brown: It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? It's what you can bear. There it is. No one's going to forgive me. It was death. I chose life.
Sally: Why do I always have to sit next to the exes? Is this some kind of a hint, sweetheart? Anyway, shouldn't the exes have a table of their own, where they can all ex together in ex-quisite agony?
Richard Brown: Oh, Mrs. Dalloway... Always giving parties to cover the silence.
Clarissa Vaughn: Why is everything wrong?
Virginia Woolf: Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast.
Angelica Bell: What happens when we die?
Virginia Woolf: What happens? [pause]
Virginia Woolf: We return to the place that we came from.
Angelica Bell: I don't remember where I came from.
Virginia Woolf: Nor do I.
Clarissa Vaughn: I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.
Virginia Woolf: Say something, Nessa! Didn't you think I seemed better?
Virginia Woolf: I am saying, Vanessa, that even crazy people like to be asked.
Angelica Bell: Goodbye.
Virginia Woolf: Goodbye, little girl.
Virginia Woolf: You return to what?
Vanessa Bell: Tonight. Oh, just some insufferable dinner not even you could envy, Virginia.
Virginia Woolf: But I do.
Virginia Woolf: Did it matter, then, she asked herself, walking toward Bond Street. Did it matter that she must inevitably cease, completely. All this must go on without her. Did she resent it? Or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? It is possible to die. It is possible to die.
Virginia Woolf: It's on this day. This day of all days. Her fate becomes clear to her.
Kitty: All my life I could do anything. I could do anything, really. Except the one thing I wanted.
Anyhow Wednesday I left early as well as I wanted to get home to get changed and showered before meeting Eunice for dinner at City Hall - that was quite pleasant though I got back late and had to fork out dosh for a cab to get to City Hall in time. Still, it was good as we ate at the food court and that saved some money. She's still the same and she's got a good head. She puts things in perspective for me sometimes as she's more worldly I guess. It's funny - she's like a big sister in a way though I'm actually older than her. But then she's more of a rebel and I'm pretty much the goody-two-shoes. At college I was designated the driver for everyone when people went out clubbing ... that was in jest but then I'm the responsible one who wouldn't drink, etc. The only problem is that I don't drive. I should learn someday but then if I haven't got a car there's no real point. One step at a time I think. Get trained up, get a job then get other things ...
Thursday ... ah yes I worked till 7.30pm and finally got home at 9pm - that was really stressful as I don't like to be outside my room when my father is around so I had to shower, have dinner, do laundry and dry my hair in double quick time. Gosh. Then came Friday. I worked till 6.30pm which was reasonable I thought, then went to meet Zhiying and Zhixiu in Orchard. I had finished the graphics for the second project so that was cool. I was meant to meet ZX and ZY at 7.30pm but got there early at 7.05pm so I popped to Osmose, tried on the couple of blouses I'd seen a week and a half ago but decided to think about it then ... and bought them. All in 20 minutes which was good. I like efficient shopping. I also like to think about things I'm not too sure about for a while and return. There aren't always return policies and mainly only exchanges within 7 days or 3 days even so it's good to prevent impulse buying. Obviously sometimes this backfires as when you finally decide that you want to purchase the item, many other people have decided that too and beat you to it such that it's completely sold out. Then you can blame it on divine intervention or be miserable forever. I usually take to the former school of thought and save being miserable for larger things like a dysfunctional family problems, struggling with existentialism and trying to get Jesus to carry me through.
I digress.
ZX, ZY and I had dinner at Thai Express and it was lovely to see them again. Friends like these you know will be friends of life, we can be the singlehood haha ... things don't seem to change fundamentally with friends like these and you feel so comfortable with them, though obviously you have to work on keeping in touch.
I met up with Zhiying again today. We went to Sentosa to walk by the beach. It was raining when we headed out at about 2pm but it cleared up towards 3.30pm so it was all right. There was even a nice blue sky overhead for a while and some decent sunshine. We chatted quite openly which we hadn't done for over a year now. She'd been distraught at having to return to Singapore from NYC at the end of 2005 and it had been difficult to speak being so far away and both of us being wrapped up in our own problems. But I'm glad she updated me on what horrors had happened to her after she'd returned to Singapore, about her various jobs and disappointments that she was being treated like crap at various production houses, and insulted financially, overworked and underpaid ... verbally insulted as well. I must confess I can't really know how she is feeling as I haven't experienced it myself but I was glad she was telling me stuff again as we'd told each other everything since we were 15 but since she returned to Singapore we'd had a break in communication.
It's virtually impossible to empathise and I found myself doing the apparently very male thing of trying to think of how to solve her problems. Oh dear, I'm sure I'm going to grow a beard soon at this rate but I guess when I don't have the emotional sides to her troubles and harrowing experiences, I tend to focus on what can be done about helping her move on now as she's still scarred from her jobs thus far. Sigh. Well, I'm glad at least she's started on a decent film-related job now again though. Hopefully the stigma of the vicious shark-infested media industry won't scar her too much. She is paranoid about getting into all that mess again, being abused, with no unions or representation, with threats of being blacklisted if she quits, not being paid on time, or enough even to live on, being told that her NYC experience counts for nothing because it's a different scene here, etc ... People can be so cruel sometimes it's unfathomable. Anyhow so far it's going ok in this job and she has a good chance of staying on till December or maybe June next year which will bode well for her bank account and loan repayments to her parents and her medical costs and hopefully heal the disappointment and disillusionment from her first experiences. I shall pray hard for her and I'm glad I know what I can pray for now.
Sometimes I feel quite lucky. At least according to the medical check-up I'm pretty much ok health-wise. As they say, health is wealth. That's very true. That is something that money cannot buy once it is lost.
Yesterday though, I thought I was going to injure the health of my father right in public. It sounds silly but I wanted to stab him with the pointed end of a large golfing umbrella. He'd called up in the middle of the day while mum, grandma and I were having lunch and then said he wanted to have dinner out either in the evening or the next day i.e. this evening. Mum and I had a nice afternoon browsing the shops and we also watched Ratatouille which was funny and enjoyable only to be capped off with my blood boiling and hot angry tears rising up in tandem with my blood pressure. I was so angry I even shouted out in the street. First he demands to eat out, obviously having no money to foot the bill and so my mother has to pay for the dinner as well as the cab fare to take my grandmother there and back ... what kind of lout does that? Family to him is only family when it is useful, when we can be cash cows to be milked for all we're worth. Then after finishing dinner, he asks to borrow $10 from my mother for his transport and I cannot believe my ears. I have heard of his borrowing antics countless times for much larger amounts as well as his 'borrowing' which really means he spends a vast sum he does not have, then waits for my mother to pay the debts or threatens that the house will go to the creditors if the debts are not settled. Just hearing about all these things incenses me but actually witnessing it happening, well that's completely different. When he opened his mouth to ask for money I was both shocked in a way (oh my goodness this is ACTUALLY happening) and gosh my anger levels accelerated faster than a DB9 driven by the Stig. According to my mum I was actually glaring at him and well on hindsight if I hadn't quite been so shocked I would have not given a flying f... that we were in a public place. So was he using the cover of public spaces to ask for money after getting a free meal? I was so angry so so so angry. It was probably a good thing that I was semi shocked that this was actually happening and didn't burst out otherwise my mother would have been terribly embarrassed. She is of the old-school stiff upper lip kind where even if a vampire was sucking the lifeblood out of you, as long as it was a public place one would not make a scene.
It makes me terribly terribly guilty for taking money from my mum though I am so glad that I paid for my visa myself even though my mother wanted to pay for that. She was quite annoyed that I'd gone and exchanged pounds for dollars and lost out on the exchange rate but I think that's the least I can do. For all the guilt and strain I bear here he was sticking his hand out for money after making her take him out to dinner. I was so incensed that when he gave me the umbrella to take home as he was going out gallivanting God-knows-where I was really really tempted to stab him with it or hit him with it to knock some sense into him. Doesn't he know what he's doing? Doesn't he have any shame? I just shouted it out after he left, asking my mother why she gave him her travel card with $25 in it when he'd only asked for $10. I just shouted that out and shouted that he had no shame and gosh I was so angry I wanted to hurl the umbrella or hit something with it. Or someone. Him. If it knocks any sense into him I would do it. Adrenaline fuelled by anger is a powerful thing. However, until I have a proper job and am not earning yet I cannot make my feelings clear to him as I am just like him in a way, a leech sucking money from my poor mother.
Dr Hadley would probably have disagreed to that statement. Ah well, I guess I might not be completely free from my destructive thinking patterns but at least I can identify them now and try to be more balanced. At least I have a part-time job and I don't spend more than I can afford to. At least I have guilt and shame so I won't be a complete waster. God willing, I will be financially independent. Thank God for my auntie who hires me part-time and for David Mellor for the weekend job.
And for all my friends who take me out and make me laugh and help me remember that I have them too. For now at least. Until they're all married, every single one. Well then there's the singlehood haha. Maybe I should make a pact like in My Best Friend's Wedding. What was it ... if we're both not married by 30 then we'll get married. Nah.. I couldn't do that. Not if I'm still thinking of Finch, to whom it probably would not matter if I'd died. That would be unfair to the other person. That's not the way to go. It must be for love. Am I being idealistic?
Bu zai hu tian chang di jiu, zhi zai hu ceng jin yong you.
Better to die having lived ideals than live having let ideals die ...
The Sandman:
She needs to work on that.
Poppy:
Hmm. Yes. She's thinking of "The Hours".
...
Leonard Woolf: If I didn't know you better I'd call this ingratitude.
Virginia Woolf: I am ungrateful? You call ME ungrateful? My life has been stolen from me. I'm living in a town I have no wish to live in... I'm living a life I have no wish to live... How did this happen?
Virginia Woolf: I'm dying in this town.
Leonard Woolf: If you were thinking clearly, Virginia, you would recall it was London that brought you low. Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly?
Leonard Woolf: We brought you to Richmond to give you peace.
Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too.
Virginia Woolf: This is my right; it is the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of the Capital, that is my choice. The meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for your sake, Leonard, I could be happy in this quietness ... But if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death.
Virginia Woolf: You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard.
Clarissa Vaughn: That is what we do. That is what people do. They stay alive for each other.
Virginia Woolf: Dear Leonard. To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face and to know it for what it is. At last to know it, to love it for what it is, and then, to put it away. Leonard, always the years between us, always the years. Always the love. Always the hours.
Clarissa Vaughn: I don't know what's happening to me. I seemed to be unraveling.
Virginia Woolf: I've been attended by doctors, who inform me OF MY OWN INTERESTS.
Virginia Woolf: A woman's whole life in a single day. Just one day. And in that day her whole life.
Kitty: Oh, you're reading a book?
Laura Brown: Yeah.
Kitty: What's this one about?
Laura Brown: Oh, it's about this woman who's incredibly - well, she's a hostess and she's incredibly confident and she's going to give a party. And, maybe because she's confident, everyone thinks she's fine... but she isn't.
Laura Brown: It would be wonderful to say you regretted it. It would be easy. But what does it mean? What does it mean to regret when you have no choice? It's what you can bear. There it is. No one's going to forgive me. It was death. I chose life.
Sally: Why do I always have to sit next to the exes? Is this some kind of a hint, sweetheart? Anyway, shouldn't the exes have a table of their own, where they can all ex together in ex-quisite agony?
Richard Brown: Oh, Mrs. Dalloway... Always giving parties to cover the silence.
Clarissa Vaughn: Why is everything wrong?
Virginia Woolf: Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more. It's contrast.
Angelica Bell: What happens when we die?
Virginia Woolf: What happens? [pause]
Virginia Woolf: We return to the place that we came from.
Angelica Bell: I don't remember where I came from.
Virginia Woolf: Nor do I.
Clarissa Vaughn: I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself: So, this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then.
Virginia Woolf: Say something, Nessa! Didn't you think I seemed better?
Virginia Woolf: I am saying, Vanessa, that even crazy people like to be asked.
Angelica Bell: Goodbye.
Virginia Woolf: Goodbye, little girl.
Virginia Woolf: You return to what?
Vanessa Bell: Tonight. Oh, just some insufferable dinner not even you could envy, Virginia.
Virginia Woolf: But I do.
Virginia Woolf: Did it matter, then, she asked herself, walking toward Bond Street. Did it matter that she must inevitably cease, completely. All this must go on without her. Did she resent it? Or did it not become consoling to believe that death ended absolutely? It is possible to die. It is possible to die.
Virginia Woolf: It's on this day. This day of all days. Her fate becomes clear to her.
Kitty: All my life I could do anything. I could do anything, really. Except the one thing I wanted.
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