Yet another of those dreams came along last night though this time I'm slightly frustrated that I remember remembering it at 7.30am when I awoke from it but then I'd forgotten it by 9am when I finally woke up properly. It didn't make for a very restful night but I guess it's all right. I'm lucky that I'm on vacation at the moment so I can sleep in till 9am. Anyway.
Yesterday I started reading again. I read Vogue and finished the articles I'd left behind, mainly the style reports and a few other features, one of which was on Aerin Lauder, managing director of Estee Lauder (her grandmother). It was an interesting article, most interesting thing about it was the insight into Aerin Lauder's life philosophy of keeping private life from public. No doubt it must be challenging to run a global business empire without being in the public eye. I think that is something that I respect - keeping oneself separate from the public eye. She has a happy marriage and 2 children and only now is she becoming the face of one her grandmother's old products that is being relaunched - Private Collection- and thus making herself known, or at least her face will be recognised and splashed over all the cosmetic counters in the world. My mum used to use Private Collection. Must be quite a while now as I think she used it while I was in primary school ...
The article wrote about her as someone who was happiest at being with her family and taking pleasure in the simpler things in life. It struck me as quite ironic in a way as her 'going to the beach' was going to a seaside villa but I guess the main thing as that no matter where you went, what was most important was who went with you. I had a conversation with Zhiying yesterday, over the phone. This was the second long phone conversation we had since, probably about a year and a half ago, when she came back to Singapore from New York. She had called to say she couldn't go to the beach with me next week as she'd landed a 2 month contract job as a film editor with a production company. I was really glad for her as she'd been in and out of work (not even film-related work which is a blow to her confidence since she is a Tisch graduate in Film) this was a good boost. It might lead to getting more contacts for contract work or even more work though she is adamant about leaving Singapore and does not want to work in a job here for any more than a few months.
I guess after hanging around for a year, being paid really badly on her first few film-related contract jobs and then trying out for some crappy temporary administration positions, it really does kill the spirit. She is not really that close to her family, which has its own set of problems ... as the Chinese say, every household has a difficult rulebook to follow ... haha that's not a very good translation oh dear. We're the only two people in our group of friends that hasn't got a proper job yet, apart from those who are still studying architecture or something lengthy and have yet to finish. Everyone else pretty much who has a job works pretty long hours, after which they tend to go home and chill out with their family or with their fiances/husbands/boyfriends and then before you know it, you've run out of time for anything else.
JB once said that happiness is moving faster than you expected toward your desired target. Expectations are important as they can make you feel better or worse if things turn out better or worse than what you had prepared yourself to accept. However there is the second part - the desired target. Zhiying said that she wanted to do film-related stuff; that is her desired target. However she also wanted to be able to pursue film-related stuff in a place other than Singapore - so not being in Singapore is also part of her desired target. She'd been disappointed by the jobs she'd taken on and I guess she simply feels stuck. She is not moving toward leaving Singapore (what with visas and all, it's pretty impossible and it's something she'd tried and failed to achieve while in NYC) and she is not really finding any film-related jobs though I think her main desired target is to leave Singapore as she didn't really want to stay on any longer in the film job that she'd just got - she said she couldn't see herself in anything, especially something in Singapore for the next 2-3 years. She didn't even want to think about staying till December, let alone 2-3 years ...
I think that perhaps in 1 year's time I will be in a similar situation. Well, probably not that similar as I would not have lived in Singapore for over a year after returning yet and perhaps my kinds of jobs might be slightly easier to find though obviously that's not a guarantee that I will get a job in my desired industry. However, despite the differences I think there are some similarities. I feel stuck as well. I don't feel like I am moving toward my desired target faster than I expected. In some ways I am not sure I have a very clear desired target and perhaps this lack of focus is what is causing the unhappiness. So perhaps I should define my desires, regardless of how realistic they are ...
(1) to have a fulfilling job that builds on and challenges my creative abilities: to be a Designer or a Fashion / Design Journalist - what I'm doing about this is that I've finished an Art Foundation course and am going to take a shoe design diploma to focus my skills, carve out a niche route into the industry. The journalist bit is my back up since I've got a Film/Lit degree already.
(2) to be financially independent - this comes with getting (1) so in the meantime, I'm partially independent by taking on a part-time job which makes me feel better about myself. I think that while I love being given gifts and treats, I am quite fiercely independent. I wouldn't ever ever want anyone to see me as someone who only knew how to get free stuff from others without ever working for things. I think in that way I am quite a proud person.
...
Looking at the two items I've put down, I am quite pleased with what I have achieved so far. Yes there is a little more that I should do such as collecting names of shoe retailers in Singapore that I can apply to work for in a year's time ... should I not be able to get anything else. Somehow deep inside, much as I'm trying to be realistic about things and manage expectation so as not to fling myself into abject despair, I have the hope that things will be as before. That stability and security that I so desire. I have never quite felt that I belong in this little island. That is not to say I have no fond feelings for it in any way but rather while I have some attachments to this little island I cannot say that I feel one with myself here. In all truth, while part of me is making contingency plans for when I have to return for good, another part of me is yearning to be whisked away, wo de bai ma wang zi or my prince on a white horse so the Chinese say.
A neighbour enquired of my mother, if I was still going out with the English boy. Jon and I bumped into them a couple of years ago, when he was staying here. My mother always told everyone that Jon and I were only university friends, nothing else. I guess she was protecting me from the idle talk that passes through the conversations among neighbours when they run out of small talk. Gossip is a great binder of people. Silence is a great dismantler. That's why tabloids and Heat magazine sell so well. People are social creatures but then they do not always have the stamina to keep up real conversations and nor do they always have the courage to trust that others will keep their confidences. They wish to talk, but they have nothing to talk about or do not wish to talk about something. So they talk about nothing. Gossip is essentially about nothing of much importance and yet it provides a talking point wherein the most pointless exchanges can be made for days and weeks on end yet forgotten in an instant. No one's egos are hurt while one can criticise to one's heart's content. One can speculate, one can say whatever one wishes without thinking. That's probably why celebrities are always hiding. They are people too and when all the world's wives gang up against you, it's no wonder their marriages fall apart, their lives fall apart and their bodies fall apart as well under the pressure of prying eyes.
Even 400 year old paintings fade with too much flashlight. What of the human soul that hates exposure?
Of course there are always exceptions. Paris Hilton is one. Though when you share a name with a building maybe you're made of tougher stuff or you're just hollow inside and you need other people to constantly fill you in to make you feel whole and forget you're just a hollow shell done up with a bit of paint work and glitz.
Haha, I'm so mean.
But it's my party and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to
Cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
(3) to share in someone else's life. In this I really mean to be part of Jon's life, hence the deliberation and hesitation in coming up with these more difficult and uncontrollable aspects of life - emotions. You can set as many targets as you want in career decisions and yes while there are always external factors, you can always tell yourself to accept that you did your best or you did not and then decide what to do next. Emotions are not so simple. They are complex and bound up in all sorts of psychological threads that are illogical and irrational which make them very troublesome to solve. They pop up in your subconscious, unconscious and conscious states and are terribly difficult to get rid of. So I have chosen to lock them up and try to focus on (1) and (2) instead.
Reader, I assure you that Jon is no demi-god. He is not perfect and he has his fair share of flaws just like the rest of us. He is not everything I would ever want but then he is a good bit. Perfection does not exist after all and he is the best I've ever had. He gave me the security and stability that I had not known before, all from a random stranger who didn't have to care. We laughed together, were silly together, enjoyed each other. And I cannot look at anyone and not see his image instead. And ok he doesn't care now but that he did, has changed everything for me.
Bu zai hu tian chang di jiu, zhi zai hu ceng jin yong you.
I do not care for forevermore, I only treasure what was once before.
Today I am reading EM Forster's Where Angels Fear to Tread.
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