Sometimes I wonder if I purposely remember dates or if somehow some dates just get stuck in my head. I looked at the calendar today and thought to myself, ah. It's a month to the day when it will be two years since my life got officially turned upside down and thrown on its back, left in the mud out in the cold. It was a Friday two years ago. This year it'll be a Sunday. I shall be at work. That is a good thing.
Anyway. This is my first post in a while and it's also my first post in London. I left Singapore on the 6th of September. It was emotional but I controlled myself and so did my mum, as always. We are so controlled or at least she is that sometimes it makes me feel weak that I cannot. She's really traditional as Auntie Anne says. I arrived at about 7pm London time and got stuck in a 2 hour queue at immigration which was gruelling as I basically stood for 2 hours and then had to look for my luggage which had been chucked off the carousel long ago (or maybe not so long ago, knowing the efficiency levels at Heathrow haha) and then came the long journey back to the flat. Thank goodness I wasn't made to go to the Health Control like 3 years ago - that would have added another hour and a half to my waiting time and thank goodness that the tube strikes had stopped and I could take the tube back. Otherwise it would have been tiring and expensive.
Finally got back to the flat at 11pm and caught my sister before she went to bed which was nice as I was going to take the Eurostar to Paris the next morning to visit trade shows with my auntie. I went to bed at 1am, got up at 6am and left for Paris on the 8.12am train. I was so tired that morning I walked into my bed and still have a bruise and cut to show for it! Arrived at about quarter to noon and then took the Metro to Argentine to get to the hotel. I arrived at 12.30pm and at 1pm off we went to the Maison&Objet show. It was very interesting though rather tiring. In the evening, we went to a Vietnamese restaurant on Rue Pierre Charbon for dinner. The fried spring rolls and pho was very nice though some of the other dishes weren't so good for what it cost. Never order vegetables in a restaurant is probably a good rule of thumb. Especially if they come by some generic name as seasonal mixed vegetables. We got beansprouts. I'm not certain that is at all seasonal or regional or very mixed at all! Oh well.
Next morning I woke up at 6am due to jetlag and then lay in bed till 7am when I got up and tried to take photos of the Arc de Triomphe from the hotel window by sticking my arm out with my cameraphone and then using the other hand to press the button. This was quite tricky as I was tired, slightly worried that I would drop my phone and also, I could not actually see the picture when it was being taken. After a few attempts I managed to get a good enough shot that could be used as my wallpaper. We had breakfast and then at 9.30am we set off for the trade shows again, this time till about 4.30pm. We went back to the hotel, had a rest and then went to an evening church service as we wanted to go to a Premiere Classe the next morning before I returned on the 2.43pm train to Waterloo. In the evening we went to a really lovely art nouveau restaurant on Rue Marbeuf called La Fermette Marbeuf where we had traditional french food and some wine. I chose Pouilly Fume which was quite light and nice. I wasn't that hungry due to jetlag but managed to have a main (artic char with almonds) and most of my dessert which was creme brulee. Auntie Anne had salmon and then flambeed crepes with grand marnier.
C'etait tres bien.
So that was the tiring but insightful weekend at the trade shows in Paris. I thought it was very interesting if a little tiring. It really isn't a jolly. It's pure solid work and after a while it was difficult to keep focused as everything started to look similar. Greys and silvers were big in the fashion trends, seaside themes and monochrome black and white was big on the interiors. It was a strange fusion of blingtastic modernism with lots of references to old-style grandeur done in a new way. For instance, you'd have an 18th century french chaise print in jewel tones more often seen on patent leather accesories of Spring/Summer 07 on an clear acrylic chair.
I arrived at 5pm back in the flat which was nice. I wasn't hungry at all, having had a filling lunch and a bite to eat on the train so I skipped dinner that evening. A good thing too since I didn't actually have any food. I had some Milo and that was it. I was really sleepy but then I wanted to stay awake till a reasonable time for bed. That was 10pm and I succeeded. The next morning, I had some Cocopops (my sis' preferred cereal) and then off I went to work at the shop. I was still quite tired but going to work was good - not only do I get to earn some dosh but also keeps me awake! I had to enrol at 4pm so it was only half a day and the enrolment went quite smoothly which was good - no waiting at all which was fabulous so I was all done in under an hour! Off I went home, taking a detour to the supermarket on the way, and that evening I dropped off to sleep at 9.30pm.
Tuesday and Wednesday were spent at work again and finally yesterday, I managed to have a wee bit of a lie-in and get some rest. I also tidied my room, vacuumed the carpet, cleared out old papers and sorted my stuff out, got organised. That continued till today and suddenly it's been a week since I've returned.
I put my old photos up on facebook yesterday, in between cleaning, and I was quite happy to put them up. I'd found them in a sealed box that hadn't been opened since 2004 when I graduated. They were photos of the 21st birthday party that Jon and James jointly hosted and photos of the graduation ball. I decided to put them on Facebook and share them with my hallmates after much deliberation. I decided that I wanted to remember my lovely Warwick days instead of chucking them all out just to avoid thinking about Jon. Avoidance doesn't help - it simply leaves a gaping hole in my memory of the past, which includes happy memories too which, if I simply shut out altogether, leaves me uncertain of who I am, where I have come from and I musn't do that. I mustn't avoid the past and erase everything. It hasn't helped in 2 years and if I choose to keep in touch with friends with whom we have a shared history together then I must accept that his presence will pervade my life to some extent. It is unavoidable. What is that saying, God grant me the courage to change the things I cannot accept, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Going back to Singapore has reminded me that life is short, precious and life is not about yourself. Life is about your interaction with those you love, be it family or friends. In my case I feel a stronger tie to my mother, sister and grandmother. After waving goodbye at the airport I fought the tears till I went to the toilet and I had a bit of a cry. I would have cried a little more if the janitor hadn't come in to clean the loos. It was probably a good thing though. Last night, my sister told me the good news that she got a permanent job finally and I was really happy. She'd been hoping for this for a long time now and having a steady job meant security for herself and also for my mum, for the new place and it also made me feel more secure as at least my mother wouldn't worry too much about my sister (apart from her single status).
Last night as I hugged Monkey I suddenly had a flashback of when my mother went to London on holiday with a fellow secretary - a gift holiday from the company in recognition of their good service - and I was only little, probably about 6 years old and I got really scared without my mother at night. I remember my sister sitting me on her knee and letting me hold her special little pillow which she never ever let me hold (it was the soft one with fuchsia roses on it) but to comfort me missing my mother she let me hold it that evening when I got upset. My mother worries a little about us not having someone to look after us when she is gone. I hope that will be a long time yet. I told her that it didn't matter as my sister and I had each other and it didn't matter that we didn't have anyone else to look after us as we'd look after each other. That's the good thing about having two children instead of just the one.
I hate thinking about things like that as it upsets me. In many ways I am still the little girl sitting on her sister's knee who gets upset when her mother isn't there. I am fiercely independent in many ways but some children wander freely from their mothers but I was always holding onto my mother's skirt when she couldn't hold my hand when in the shops. I don't like to feel abandoned. This is still something I react to very strongly. Still, I've been quite lucky all things considered. I have a chance to chase a dream.
Run Forrest, run.
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